So, I’m just here to warn you all before you go making weekend plans at old cabins in the woods.

If you have already made your arrangements for this very special, very creepy trip, I leave you with these tidbits of advice:

1) Do not go anywhere alone. There is sure to be a booby trap or murderer lurking around waiting for you. Yes, even while you’re on the potty.

2) Do not engage in any scandalous activities. I will not expand on this, but if you’ve seen scary movies you know what I’m talkin’ about. DON’T DO IT.

3) I suggest you wear running shoes and fitted workout gear all weekend. When you have to run away at a very quick speed, you’ll need a durable athletic shoe and clothes that will not get caught on nearby branches. Ya heard?

4) Bring a bag of extra survival essentials: batteries for your flashlight, several feet of rope, toilet paper, snacks and dark clothing. If your friends bite the dust, you’ll be on your own. Refer back to point #1.

5) Do not go anywhere without carrying around a boombox, fully equipt with a Marvin Gaye CD playing “Sexual Healing.” This has nothing to do with Friday the 13th, but that song is a classic and you really shouldn’t go on a trip without it.

Anywho, I have to go tape up my doors and windows and prepare the living room couch for my scary movie fest. I’ll talk to you all on Monday. I hope there are minimal casualties tonight and I’ll see you all on the other side.

Godspeed.

Oh and P.S. If you find yourself in one of the above situations, feel free to send scary smileys to someone safe from the Halloween Smiley Pack on your iPhone. This will give them some sort of indication that you’re in danger.

Then again… you probably won’t have cell service.